The fundraising was a great distraction and gave us a sense of fulfilment to your memory and to honour you and what you gave us in your 5 ½ months. The first nine months of fundraising was just so busy and we always had some event going on, while this did not fully take from the grief I was feeling it sure did distract and make me think positively towards thinking about what you did achieve and not what you could have done or would be doing at certain milestones of your life.
The first few days, weeks and months were extremely tough so many times I just broke down and cried my heart out wishing things were so different and wishing you were here and wondering why this had happened to you why this had happened to us. Writing this blog sure helped me along the way and made me realise just how much you had done, how much you had achieved, how brave you were and how much quality life you had compared to other sick children.
When I see a robin it makes me smile. From as far back as I can remember and what I was brought up to believe when a robin comes close it symbolises death is near. I’ve always believed that this meant someone was going to die. Now I’ve spun my own belief on it. J At your funeral a robin distracted us in the church bobbing up and down high up in the window trapped inside; this made me feel you were close in presence like you wanted me to know you were right by my side. Since you’ve died I’ve had many instances like this where a robin sits on your headstone, sits on your grave, sits on my decking looking in my back window and even one day while in training for the mini marathon and finding it tough on the last hurdle a robin flew in and out of the trees alongside me. So people may be sceptics but I’ll believe what makes me feel good and every time a see a robin I know you’re right by my side J
The whole inquest process was both physically and mentally draining; however the continued charity work distracted us from worrying about that. Your sister was so brave and uplifting to us, she gave us a reason to get up in the mornings and keep us going. She talks about you all the time, she looks at your pictures all the time, she reminds everyone that she has 2 brothers not one (because sometimes people forget) and she lets us know how much she misses you and how much she would love you to be here.
In March I fell pregnant, this was a tough decision which was so emotional for us to even consider. The fact that Olly was going to arrive in December would be bittersweet but I think it was just meant to be. We could now be happy at this time of the year again and celebrate your life not cry for our loss. I believe you gave us Olly as a gift to show us we are great parents and we deserve to be happy again. Olly arrived on the 16th December and when your dad and I held him in our arms for the first time we cried our hearts out with happiness and sadness. It was like I could feel you though Olly, the whole experience was so surreal and emotional. Your brother is the image of you by the way; you are identical in so many ways. People reminded me of the likeness and even though when I compare pictures I can see the similarities but when I look at Olly I only see Olly and when I look at you I see only you. There is no weirdness and to me it’s truly special. It’s almost like as when I see Olly growing up I can catch a glimpse of what maybe you would have been like.
Throughout 2010 there was so many times when I sat and thought “this is the first time….. without Billy”, new years eve without you, our first time to Cinema as a family without you, the first time to mass without you, the first time in Tramore without you, Easter without you, mothers days without you, fathers day without you, and then came your first birthday it was heartbreaking to think you never got to celebrate your first with us, we never had a birthday with you… but I just kept trying to focus on what you did and not what you might have had or done. Then came a time when we could no longer say “this time last year…… with Billy”. This was like another chunk from our hearts as there could be no longer a “this time last year”.
30th September 2010 I came home from work to find that your dad had cleared your room out! He rang me at work to tell me what he’d done and I cried all the way home and when I got there it was worse than expected. The room was stripped back to a shell and all your stuff stored in the cold attic. I sobbed for hours as I plodded up and down the attic stairs retrieving your stuff back down and putting them back where they belonged but it was no good your scent was gone it was like I’d lost you all over again and I thought your scent would never return. Within a few days your scent returned. I was harsh at the time but I do know that your dad was only trying to help and save me the heartache of clearing your room out to get it ready for Olly.
Your first birthday we wanted to celebrate, we decorated your grave and that night let lanterns off to the sky (T & Al’s however only managed to the tree J) We really missed you on this day, it hurt to think we could not give you cuddles and spoil you with gifts. And just after celebrating your brothers 1st Birthday was another bittersweet occasion as it made me think about what we never got to have with you. Although after 5 ½ months with Olly we are faced with this feeling for all his developmental milestones. It’s so hard to think positive all the time sometimes is good to just scream or have a good cry.
It came to your 1st anniversary mass, some people wanted it at the weekend and then do something after mass but something your dad and I didn’t want was a big fuss. We wanted it to be small, simple but personal. It was so frosty that morning and we practically slid to church @ 9am, visited your grave and that night lit lanterns and let them off to the sky. It was just beautiful. Christmas came then and I have to say Olly & Abigail really made it for us. We really missed you so so much and it felt Christmas was missing something to make it complete. Santa brought you a personalised memory box last year and we have all your keepsakes, personal items, favourite toys, best clothes and blankie in it. Your blankie is my favourite as whenever I’m feeling down or feel I need you I open the box, hold the blankie close and your scent just warms me right up. Your blankie never lost its smell but the scent seems stronger when I need you most J
Your 2nd Birthday came then and it was just as painful if not more. Seeing your cousin Faith (who’s just 7 days younger than you) can sometimes break my heart as you and her should be the best of buddies, what stage she is at is what stage you should be at. The things she does is what you can do only we don’t get to see you do it L Most of the times she brings a smile to my face as she can paint a picture to me of what life is like for you now in a sweet sort of way. We let some balloons off at your grave again this year then we had cake and treats back at our house and before everyone went home we let lanterns off to the sky. Another happy/sad day for us!
On your birthday by chance an appointment became available in the tattoo parlour. For ages I had wanted one and I seized my opportunity. For one hour I sat and the amazing tattoo artist imprinted a cherub on my inside arm with an image similar to you holding a mended heart in its hands. I love my tattoo, I love that I’ve got it done and as long as I will live I will never regret having it or getting it done. It’s so special to me that no matter when, at any stage of the day I can look down at my arm and think of you, visualise you, it’s just an amazing feeling!
On every card we send on every occasion we celebrate and whenever we talk of family you will always be included. At the moment I have three kids and always will have three kids. When I sign cards I include you because you will always remain part of our family, you lived, you were a person, you are part of our family and people should not feel uncomfortable speaking your name or including you in our family because that is something that will never change.
Its now coming to Christmas and your 2nd Anniversary and when people used to say “Time is a great healer” I never passed much remark but now I LOL. Time most certainly DOES NOT heal; our hearts will be missing a piece forever. Time on the other hand does help you deal that bit better in everyday life but at certain stages of the year especially your Birthday, Anniversary & Christmas I find gets harder each year. With Olly now getting boys toys from Santa its even more difficult because while you may be getting the same from Santa as Olly, Santa’s gotta take it to Heaven and everyone up there have the best seats in the house watching your expression as you receive your gifts on Christmas morning!
So what is life like without you? Painful…. In every aspect!
Everyday I think of you, I may not get to visit your grave as often as I’d like to but to me your grave is just a place we buried you, a place where you had to go to make your journey to Heaven. I don’t feel bad that I don’t make it there everyday because everyday you’re in my thoughts, your in my heart, I carry you with me everyday of my life. Everyday I wake I think of you and wish you were here, every time I smell your blankie I wish It was wrapped around you and you in my arms, every time I fall asleep I wish to dream of you. No matter where I go no matter what I do I will always be thinking of you. My life will never be fully complete again because you are not physically here with me.
I have come to understand a little better that where you are now is a paradise, no more pain, no more needles no more procedures, free and happy at last. You play in Heaven’s Playground everyday with all your angel friends hopping from cloud to cloud as you watch over us. I can picture your infectious smile as you catch the bubbles we blow up to you each day and gaze in amazement when the lanterns light up the sky. We are privileged that we have my own personal angel to look out for us and our family.
We have met some amazing people because of you buddy and we’ve made some fantastic friends via Heartline, Magicmum, Facebook, Crumlin, Heart Children Ireland, 22q11 Ireland and may more. Your bravery and courage in all that you went through is an inspiration to all. I love you from the deepest end of my heart and you are dearly missed by all.
How very softly you tiptoed into our world… almost silently. Only a while you stayed but what an imprint your footprints have left on our hearts
xox Miss You Little Man xox
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