21st December '09
Daddy arrived in shortly after 8am from a long nights work, i was up at around 6.30 with you. We were playing with you loads, Dr Scree (Dr Quinns reg) came in with his colleague and said you were 2nd down on the list and should be due to theatre at approximately 10-10.30. you were put on fluids at about 6am with yer last feed been at about 3am this morning! Felt so bad for you, you love yer food and here we were fasting you and you starving poor lil man, not fair eh??? Despite the huger you were full of beans, your dad and i were playing peek a boo, and tickling games and getting you toys to keep you amused, you were havin great fun.
Your nurse came to inform us plans had changed for theatre and you wouldn't be goin down til 12pm... I was furious, your only 5 1/2 mths, fasting since 3am and it was so unfair, what could be the delay, today was just emergency cases. No docs came to let us know of the delay either which was annoying. I went off to the bank and gave u and yer dad some dad to son time :-) i was only a 1/2 hr gone when i came back your dad had a snooze while i gowned you up for theatre. When yer dad woke we played with you loads, you were so clever figuring out where i'd pop out from while we were playing peek a boo :-) We got loads of giggles outta you despite 9hrs fasting.
At 1pm they called you down to theatre and about time too, poor lil man you've enough to be dealing with without unxplained dealys. Before theatre they did all their usual checks. One doc queryed why a specific cross bloods wasn't done, another agreed they'd do it once they got you on the table. i gowned up and brought you down with the nurse, this was my 5th time to bring you in for ansthesia, twice in cath lab, twice for stent procedures and now today. Dr Scree's colleague tried and failed to contact Dr Quinn to check if ansthesia could be administered.
The anethetist rang Dr Quinn on her mobile and when she came off the phone she said "Dr Quinn said to go ahead with the induction, he'll be here soon". The put you asleep, i gave you a kiss and handed you over to doc's. Fergal had still not arrived when i was leaving!
Your dad & i went to the canteen to get lunch, it should only take an hr or so, so we didn't bother leaving the hospital. On the way to the canteen we met laods of celebrities, there were all doin the ward walks for the lead up to xmas. Present was PJ Gallagher, Mickey Joe Heart, Mikey Graham, Glenda Gilsonen, Rosanna Davison, Keith Barry and many more. We got chatting PJ Gallagher and your dad took a pic of me & him, aghhhh! Think yer dad was hoping i'd say hop in there with Glenda but i was like no chance a sniff of her and it's good luck me... lol! We went to have lunch, met Kathleen our CNS and had a chat with her bout you. My uncle is good friends with John Hogan, country musician who had been chatting Daniel O'D earlier today, so he asked John could he give me a call to wish you well... and so came the call from the wee donegal man ;-) bet yer nanny kate & marie would be raging...
Just before 2pm came a frightening call from theatre, i couldn't really make them out, front canteen door was locked so i'd to go out the side door levaing your dad alone not knowing who was on the phone to me. The only word i can remember really is "can you come immediately". I ran as fast as i could to the stairs and belted up 2 flights to theatre, where i think a doctor let me in with his badge, can't even remember wot was goin through my mind, there was that many thought and sceanrios getting from canteen to theatre was a blurr. Waited patiently outside theatre where i began to cry my eyes out wondering what was wrong. Fergal (kidney surgeon) came out, eyes full of worry and sadness, i kept thinking this cannot be happening over and over. Fergal sat with another nurse beside me "are you on your own" i just asked him wot was wrong where he explained how you had met major complications and you were deteriorating. With that Colin McMahon (cardiologist) rushed by me trailing my call out to him.
My heart sank, you dad phoned where i told him to come quick. He arrived and we both sobbed out heart out as we awaited news on you... Fergal told us your heart stopped and somehow this didn't phase me because i had heard of loads of babies pulling through cardic arrest. 2 Cariologist were with you and Lars (heart surgeon) was down the hall. I asked how were you on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst and he said 8-9. I could not believe that over an hour ago i held you in my arms and kissed you goodbye as they put you sleep now you were in theatre fighting for your life. 2 nurses came with clothes, almost in tears as they passed us.
Docs brought us through to theatre, into what looked like ICU and into a conference room. Confused as to why we were being brought in here.Colin, Kathleen, Fergal & another woman sat around the table in the confererce room. your dad and i sat opposite them. Colin began explaining what happened, most of which just went over our heads, into the conversation realisation sat in that our worst nightmare was about to happen. When Colin spoke those dreaded words, every parent wishes they'd never hear. "I'm sorry but Billy passed away", your dad and i were inconsolable, i kept saying over and over again, "please tell me this is not happening, please tell me this is a dream"
In theatre i had been thinking we'll be in for xmas day but it's not so bad, we can skype your dad & abigail and we can see the experience through wireless internet. Sure xmas day is bouring anyway and sure now it'll give ppl an excuse to have something to do and come visit you. I'd created our whole day. This could not be happening, it really could not. You were thriving, gaining weight, meeting all your milestones, keeping reasonably well healthwise, smiling, giggling and playing with us just hrs ago. How is it that we're never gonna see you smile again, see that surious look on yer face when we play peek a boo or try figure out who's Ro Ro and who's Maggie, never see you demolish spuds or your favourite melon desert, never see those beautiful beaming lovable eyes, never hear that infectious giggle, never feel the warmth of your cuddles. Total devestation, what are we gonna do without you. Nightmare was now reality.
That curious look, just hrs before your scheduled op:
After a short while without a word to us, Fergal excused himself from the conference room. Colin and Kathleen were in shock, Colin couldn't understand, your death was so unexpected, a complete shock, your body should have tolerated this. You didn't even get operated on, not likely an anesthesia reaction b'coz they happen within 10-12 of induction and this was 30mins later. We were informed the coroner would have to be informed and a post mortum take place due to unxplained death.
We were left alone, i txt teresa and asked her to come immediately, she only worked down the road didn't telll her why. On of the nurse's rang your nanny kelly to explain you had met complications. I made a decision to ring both your nanny's, paul & shirley. It was the most horiffic thing i've had to do and to do over the phone was cruel but i didn't want word spreading before family knew. I could feel their pain in the phone calls, complete shock and devestation.
Kathleen took us back to St Teresa's ward where you were laid, to say we were in sock was an understatement, a tube was down your throat and plaster around your mouth, you just looked induced, asleep waiting to be woken, still warm and cuddly. This was the most cruelest act that God has put upon us, this was not your time, you gave so much to us and yet still had so much still to give, totally unfair. Teresa arrived where i delivered the devestating news, paul, trish, nanny kate & tina & luke, all came to see you. Luke couldn't bear to stay so he left.
The pathologist arrived to give details of the post mortum, it is likely that we could take you home 2moro. It is portocol that we identify your body to two guards for the coroners report. This was very upsetting, it was as if we had done something wrong to you. After a short while we took you down to the mortury and and said our goodbyes til morning. Paul drove our car home and Trsih drove your nanny's home, Teresa went home on her own. As i sat in the back of our car, i cried my eyes out the whole way home, repeatidly telling myself this was not happening.
When we got home Maggie, Johnny, Daddy & Glen were waiting for us. Liam, Sheila & Kathleen came then. Just before we headed to bed Rosaleen & Luke came. Your dad didn't sleep much as he was very upset, i was equally upset but i think exhaustion took over my body and gave me a rest. My last thought goin to bed was "please let all this be a very bad dream", no such luck!
Billy below just hrs pre-op...
